The story begins with this seemingly innocent Instagram story.
Yup. This is fun.
How to Get Dah Tit, 🍆, How to Succ, & 🅱👀🍌🍆🥓🌴🔥💀
Now, I actually don’t fully understand the string of meaningless text and the worrying amount of emojis that people sent me when I asked for ideas, but I think we get the main idea of all of these.
If you are unoriginal and bland you may use the following script:
Theoretical Sex: Scene 1 – Act 1
You: Pardon me, I don’t mean to be a bother, but would you like to have my USB inserted into the port? *Wink*
Partner: Why yes. And it isn’t any bother at all.
You: So we shall.
You: Oh, and if you don’t mind me asking, do you by any chance have any sexually transmitted diseases?
Partner: If there’s a hole there’s a way.
You: Are you trying to dodge my quest—
Partner: Shut the fuck up, you’re about to finally lose your virginity. Are you really gonna lose your only chance before this theoretical ends?
You: What are you talking about?
Partner: *Turns to audience.* I’m talking about them. Aren’t you the slightest bit confused why we don’t even have names?
You: Huh? Who’s “them?” Besides, my name is… wait, what is my name? And who are you? Why are we talking? We don’t even know each other. Why can’t I see? Why can I only talk? Where am I? What’s happe-
However, some people have trouble finding a partner so I’ll need to take a couple of steps back for all of the absolute losers out there. Don’t worry; I know exactly what I’m talking about.
Getting Someone To Actually Date You
The first step is being somewhere between “nearly bearable” (red) and “somewhat decent” (yellow) on the Awesomeness Scale.
You’re probably somewhere off the scale to the far left of the red beyond the scope of the visible light spectrum, so here’s my quick guide into getting you into the red zone.
Becoming Nearly Bearable
Smiling makes you non-unbearable. It depends on your smile and how ugly you naturally are. But the point is that your, “being crushed by the mundanity of life” face isn’t going to cut it when you try to look slick and sexy.
You should also have good hygiene. Brush your teeth, wash your hair, and let the shampoo actually stay on for a bit.
Talking With People (Normally)
Look at them in the eyes when you’re talking and don’t do the creepy smile.
You should also be the one to initiate the conversation, or else you run the risk of accidentally putting the other person in the spotlight.
Wear Decentish Clothes
Step one to wearing decentish clothes is not wearing tight clothing. I don’t mean “tight” as in a style. I’m talking about something like a t-shirt that doesn’t let you swing your arms by your sides without having it wedgie your armpits.
You can donate your clothes and feel all warm and cuddly inside.
Another thing to note when wearing non-ugly clothes is color.
The goal is to not look like a clown but also without a ton of staring at a color wheel and color theory equations trying to figure out what to wear. The best solution would be to befriend a bunch of colorblind people, but you probably don’t have any friends, to begin with.
So meet neutral colors, your new lifeless best friends which are just anthropomorphized hex codes in MsPaint. Now you have 16 more friends! That’s 16 more friends than you have ever had in your entire life!
Lots of colors refuse to clash with neutral colors, so it’s a good idea to use them if you wake up late and need to slap on some decentish clothes without the headache of the aforementioned color theory conundrum.
Nice hair, check.
Nice shoes, check.
Nice breath, check.
Yup, that person sitting across from you on the bus certainly is giving you an inferiority complex, but when you get off on your stop, you’ll be the one putting in that effort and asking someone out.
So… what do you do now?
Well, drop the cheesy one-liners, because this is the defining moment you’ve been waiting for.
I guess you should’ve stayed in bed after all.
But the good news is that there are 16.6 million more colors to befriend.
Discuss Which Anime Girls Have Fake Tits With SCIENCE
I decided that this title is a little too broad for my tastes, so I gave it a tiny Buzzfeed touchup.
Top Ten Anime Girls That Have Fake Tits! [PROVEN WITH SCIENCE]
Eris is a sweet Goddess who is highly self-conscious about her bust size. She compensates for this by using breast pads, which is another thing she is highly self-conscious about.
9. Nagisa Shiota
Nagisa Shiota is a dude who everybody thought was a girl for the first couple episodes of Assassination Classroom. Can’t blame you.
8. Nico Yazawa
Everyone’s favorite loli idol nico niiiiiiis her way into our hearts.
You see, the joke was to mock Buzzfeed’s format by cutting off an article with a bunch of fake ads. The other part of the joke was to explain it, thus ruining it and making it unfunny; just like Buzzfeed’s jokes.
In fact, the ads I stole were from a Buzzfeed list for fake ads.
So I haven’t actually been procrastinating. I’m just willpower deficit, which is why I went on this crazy journey sifting through random shit on Instagram to churn out a last-minute post.
In all seriousness though, I’ve been trying to update some old posts but my Wi-Fi is absolute shit. I’m supposed to get 30-60 Mbps and I’m getting 0.14. This may or may not be related to a half-baked plan to torrent 150 gigs of maps for Osu!.
“Do you have a YouTube?” and other stuff people ask
One of the most commonly asked questions I get is, “do you have a YouTube?”
You see, my Instagram following is insanely detached from this website. I use my Instagram like a personal account, which means advertising the website with money isn’t really an option for me. I can’t advertise anything.
Imagine seeing an ad at the bottom of a news article that says, “Hi Please Visit My Blog I Paid Three-Hundred Bucks For This Ad Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”
I even saw that some people paid money to promote a picture of themselves at a high school homecoming on Instagram. That’s probably the biggest waste of money right next to starting a website.
Another thing people ask is why I don’t upload posts every single week.
The short answer is I can’t.
The long answer is I really want to, but I still can’t.
The point is that I can’t and that I’m trying to figure out new post/project formats to use to increase my reach.
Probably the second most asked question is how much it costs to run a website.
Buying a domain is simple, but then you have to navigate the mesh of add-ons provided by whomever your provider is and just go for what you need, which is pretty much just a domain and an SSL certificate to get ranked on Google better. If you want to save the most money you’ll have to put security and backup stuff into your own inexperienced hands to save money.
Support for the Site
After all of this money talk, the next thing people naturally drift towards is how I managed to pay for self-hosting.
Easy, it took 10 months saving up my allowance before spending it all at once.
Anyways, I’ve been running this site out of my own pocket, sweat, and sanity.
I’ve still got all of those big projects to set up before I can finally call the website “finished” to the point where my workload will be more consistent. I’m also setting up a Patreon, which I won’t release for the next few months, but stay tuned I guess.
If you want to support my work there’s not much you can do. Reading my posts is enough to make me feel happy, but not enough to make this plan sustainable or long-lasting.
I’ve got lots of things to do, so I’ll see you in the next post, which should hopefully be more coherent than this mess.
Update from Neo 192 Days in the Future Which is Currently the Present But Who Cares: Nope, I got worse at making sense.